This is my last rambling for 2022. #27 wasn’t easy to write nor will it be easy to read. Perhaps nothing I write is easy to read.
I loved 2022. I am sorry that it was stressful for many, and will harbor bruises and gaping holes for others. It was a good year for me. This rambling isn’t about 2022.
It’s about 2023, potential, and just being present.
Awareness
I shall plant my stake that all life exists on this massive awareness spectrum. A spectrum that spans in exponential directions from a gnat to Hawkings. I can also come to terms that if you are slightly more than semi aware, you are trying to grow or develop as an entity. I suppose even if you are not aware you are developing into something. There is a point on this growth line where you are actually aware and your growth or development is purposeful. However, there is an individual index of growth and personal definition of growth...
I mean, we don’t know more than we know. We do have to be aware of what we know and what we don’t know. You know?
Let’s say we are all climbing a mountain. For the purpose of framing please humor me. This mountain is beautiful. This mountain is large- both vertically and horizontally. This mountain is packed with stuff - it’s not an easy climb. This mountain is full of obstacles. We can only see so far up or down, right or left, on this mountain. We have limited vision - as this is one large mother of a mountain.
All life lives on this massive mountain. Only every living thing resides, potentially, at a different level.
Like a slug. Think of the slug on our awareness mountain. Does it know it’s alive? Hard to tell. It certainly knows it needs to get somewhere. But somewhere could really just be “I need to get out of the rain anywhere” kinda somewhere. It’s just aware enough to know I don’t want to sit in this puddle so I will move. Again, who really knows. The slug has some awareness.
Perhaps higher on the awareness mountain there is a hen. {we will name her Henrietta} Clearly the hen is aware. A friendly dog comes running - the hen runs away. Now it’s aware something is chasing her but is unaware that the dog is friendly. The dog, depending on all sorts of other factors, can or may know that this hen is food. Or perhaps the hen is just a funny feathery friend. Too many factors but I will bet the dog is further up the awareness mountain than the hen. Where would a wolf be in relation to the dog?
Safe to assume that primates are above dogs and humans above primates. [grimace here] This awareness mountain starts to get crowded, busy, smelly and complicated pretty fast.
Cumulus
As we look up the awareness mountain, cotton ball clouds hover and cloud the vision of up. What or who is above us on the awareness mountain? Do we even care? Do we like where we are on the mountain or would we like to be slightly more aware? Should we try and move up the mountain? But I don’t know how to get over that obstacle in front of me.
All growth requires knowledge (wisdom) which requires awareness.
I think it may be safe to assume the awareness mountain extends up and up and up. It has no end. However, if we zoom in closer to that obstacle in front of us, perhaps it is, perhaps, just another mountain. Only slightly smaller, still challenging but not impossible to climb.
What if we zoom out? Is there a ‘spec’ above humans that looks at us like we look at monkeys? What if they look at us like slugs?? And what about the spec above that?...ok, let’s zoom back in to humans.
While (I am) intrigued, a full believer and excited by a higher Being on this awareness mountain, that is not this rant. Allowing oneself to be aware of the possibilities of even a small higher awareness is my objective right now. Let’s just table the discussion of much higher elevations and just focus on that mini mountain right in front of our nose.
Ok, yes, one thought.
What if a representative from the higher awareness was watching us. What if this rep was to report back? You know, like humans who stake out in forests or jungles to watch other life, take notes, study and report back. I mean, we are probably equally satisfying, fascinating and curious as the mating rituals of the lemur in Madagascar. Right? This higher Being may see us as toddlers, struggling into consciousness in a fit and frolicking simplicity, naïveté, and fear. Would we be laughable? Irritating? Lovable? Impressive? Worthy?
End thought.
Experience
Obsidian
Humans are complex. If we look down our personal awareness mountain we see where we came from. It’s the path of our personal growth. Looking down the mountain would reveal other small mountains of obstacles that include hundreds upon (number to big) of years of evolutionary growth, awareness and experience.
Let’s just think on that. That’s some complex rooted DNA we came from. Primitive DNA. Wild DNA. Fear, mine-mine-mine, instant-gratification, …sex. Impulses and slivers of our past. It’s kinda a part of our small mindedness. Sometimes it’s the catalyst of our motivations.
However, thank goodness we have grown in awareness and our ability to reason. That places us in a really great spot on our awareness mountain. We are brilliant, big thinkers and can be totally rational. Can is the bolded word. In the big scheme of things, this rational thinking is relatively new to us. This new awareness now coexists with our primitive impulses. Yes, this is the sharp edge of obsidian we have to all look at while standing next to our mini-mountain and try and not get cut by it.
This slice of awareness on our awareness mountain makes us human. The more aware we are of the primitive part the more we can try and reconcile or cohabitate. (...some other rant but that is one of my favorite words: reconcile.) We can then try and simmer down our internal battle. I’m sure it was a struggle to overcome that mini-mountain of awareness under us, and now look at us, we have more clarity and a higher level of thought. Ahh. A higher level of thought.
Dust
Looking down the mountain we see all sorts of life. We declare to be the caretakers of life under us on the mountain. We have become the reasoning souls. We have the awareness that everything has a beginning and an end. We understand that life is precious. We know we will die.
Not to say that other species don’t understand death. Some actually mourn death. There are plenty that have witnessed and documented this empathetic interaction in the animal kingdom. But, do they know they will die? I mean inevitably? Sure when they are running from a predator that flight or flight (thank you for this impossible to completely control and frustrating inheritance tic) mechanism takes hold and fear (of death??) overcomes them. But are they really conscious of the inevitably of it all and finality of this life? Probably not. Maybe not. But we are.
Some humans manage this awareness and some do not. Many of us are not able to compartmentalize, organize and prioritize such information thus throwing us into a spinning cluster-f of chaos. I mean it is a lot to really ponder and while we tend to reason a whole lot better than lower elevations on the awareness mountain, we still have aspects of these darn adrenaline-charged primitive genes. One minute these primitive genes are having a perfectly pleasant tea party in our head - until the tea runs out and then they turn on our awareness-self.
I mean to be fair, these animal-genes were trudging around much longer in our DNA than the new genes and feel very comfortable taking charge. These primitive genes take over our minds, pouncing our thoughts, kicking judgment in the stomach, and gnaw on basic civility down to the bone. This is how we enter the fog in the mountain.
This loss of awareness is our personal fog on our personal awareness mountain.
We easily allow the primitive bits of us to take over. We can no longer see the path in front of us. Our goals fade away. Our frendships fizzle. We freeze. Sometimes we cannot even see our feet. Or we run around in fear and in circles never getting anywhere. The thicker the fog the more challenging the awareness mountain is.
Yet…if we don’t try and climb that mini-mountain - we will be stuck. We cannot move to the next level of awareness. This internal battle is important to point out because let’s face it - awareness is the first step to growth. Stagnant life grows but differently. If we have NO access to the rational brain we rely on the primitive one. Remember that primitive one only has a few goals. And the worst thing about being in the fog - is well, sometimes it’s hard to determine you are in the fog.
If you can determine you are in the fog - it’s the first step up the mountain.
[one more Aside starts here]
On being Stoic
A stoic belief system is made up of 3 beliefs: materialism, monism and mutation. Materialism - everything in the universe, including time and personal thoughts, has some material form. Monism - everything in the universe can be reduced to a single principle. Mutation - everything is in constant change. This was (is) a real belief system. The Stoics defined philosophy as a search for wisdom, and wisdom was the knowledge of things human and divine.
Within this system of seeking wisdom were branches of knowledge: logic, physics and ethics. The Stoics laid the groundwork for physics but their entire goal was to be closer to virtue: finding what it means to be virtuous. True investigation of natural phenomena, the laws of nature, and our reactions. How do we become better humans to elevate us closer to a higher being. God, if you will.
Or for this rant, the spec above us on the awareness mountain.
[Aside ends here]
Tension
Growth. Nothing grows without pain or tension. Our goal should be growth up our awareness mountain. Let’s get back to our mini-mountain right in front of us. We must accept we could be in the fog. It’s thick. It clogs our senses. How do we prioritize when we can’t see past our nose? This is exactly how we stay narrow minded. Short sighted. Dumb. Afraid. We stay in the fog.
If our primate minds are running the show how can you move past: I’m hungry now: narrow minded. [prime now!] Those genes are roaring, growling, squawking, and screaming as loud as they can. They are driven by instinct: hunger, safety, procreation. This is why we can be petty. We can almost grin at the misfortunes of people we don’t like. We feel jealous, scared, insecure, self absorbed and greedy…callous, judgemental and even cruel. Our primate brains only focus: food, safety and sex. It’s called self preservation.
Again, at this level how can we even see the bigger picture when we can’t see through the fog?
Emotions are powerful and will push away all reason. Apex emotions rain embarrassing moments and moments that lack reasoning: short sighted. We lose the big picture of life. If we are freaking out about X it is hard to see that X is really minuscule in the big picture of life.
Fog hides our insecurities. Bloated and bobbing. Me. Me. Me. We shout to the world look at me and what I have done.
Fog clings to our desire to do less and get more. We cheat ourselves by doing the bare minimum. We want it all but would rather put in the minimal amount of effort. We whine when it doesn’t go the way we planned, perhaps even blaming others. We even blame others for getting in our way.
Why else would we take relationships for granted? Fog. We avoid phone calls, texts, opportunities to enjoy close relationships because we are sooo busy, and then when our grandparents or parents pass on we relish the thought of just one more conversation. One more dumb joke. One more warm smile. Fog clouds our ability to see PEOPLE WE LOVE when they are STILL within our reach.
Only foggy-in-the brain explains why we care what others think about us. Foggy-in-the-brain allows others perceptions to dictate how we live. We fear rejection. Foggy-in-the brain only sees a pecking order.
Doing the same mistake over and over and expecting something new: dumb. (I think the real definition is crazy) Fog whispers dumbness to us and we accept it.
Fog limits our ability to be brave. Afraid to try new things. Afraid of failure. Afraid to forgive ourselves because we are human and we may need to ask for forgiveness again. Afraid to love ourselves and be loved. Sometimes afraid to take a deep breath in.
“Do as the heavens have done, forget your evil; With them forgive yourself.” William Shakespeare
The fog is what makes us unhappy. Dissatisfied. Stagnant. The hedonic treadmill theory suggests that we have this unchanging default of happiness. When something good or bad happens, after the initial change in happiness, we always return to that default level. The fog is that default.
Vapor
As humans we have the ability to imagine beyond the fog. Your primate-brain lacks imagination and is only interested in survival. It cannot see past the ladder of success or notice the people you are stepping on. We have the ability to stop, breath and think.
Our goal should be to imagine what’s beyond the fog. Imagination. What’s around the corner? …around the events that happen in life. Think from a different perspective: above the fog, behind the fog, or underneath. Humans can imagine a big picture. The elevator pitch. When we can bring multi-perspectives into our awareness we are getting close to a step up that mini-mountain.
It’s hard to think from a different perspective if you never have. If you have a bias towards [insert your bias here], and you are invited over to someone’s home who is [discussing, doing, showing said bias] - your primate brain thinks yuk, run, no way, I hate that. Short-sighted. Your fog can be thinned out by perspective, reflection, and immersion. IMMERSE yourself- mmmm, experience it. You have been invited because someone values you. Deep breath. If said-bias was presented with friendship and we know that meaningful friendships help us grow... learn something from a different perspective. We all learn through experience.
Always thinking life is unfair. Instead: Look at what I have. Life is good.
Instead of wondering why everything bad happens to me… perhaps look at the roller-coaster ride we all have. Ups and downs. ALL OF US. Every single one of us.
Or that weird or bad things seem to follow me - all the freaking time- suddenly, I’m laying in bed and the boot of doom presses on my forehead and just stares at me with crazy eyes. I hate the boot of doom.
The worst, I mean the worst lack of awareness is our own animal-dna actions. …so many wild (interesting, bizarre, bad) reactions at this level. Getting into the car and the fuel gauge is empty. Sitting on the potty and there is no tp to be found in the entire freaking house. The animal-gene in us wants to scream.
Yelling at your neighbor. Ignoring a phone call with a loved one. Cheating someone from a compliment because our pea-brain animal mind is jealous. Our actions have consequences. Some big; some small. (Those four trivial sounding words will strike when you are not aware.)
Put the internal animals on mute. Allow nuance. Nuance in life, situations…and people. Watch how shutting down those mad-dog genes will help our fog dissipate.
Wisdom
It’s hard to combat those primitive genes 24/7. They are sneaky. I mean they are animal driven and only have 3 (staccato) goals. My plan is to just keep the fog as thin as possible.
Or another thought. Perspective, again.
We are really small. I mean in the really, really spanned out version of this mountain - geesh, small. Atom like. Literally.
” . . . a universe of atoms . . . an atom in the universe.” —Richard Feynman
As we look at our feet, and then at that little-mountain in front of us, then back to our feet - then zooooooooooom out. The grand enormousness of it all. That is hard to internalize. Add a timeline to that. Wow. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon (on my list). I imagine I will feel super small. I feel ant like just standing in front of the ocean. Really, really small. I think I touched on that somewhere this year.
This is the moment of awe.
The moment of awe should make you humble. It makes me humble anyway. When we are humble we behave differently. We surrender. What do we know, really. It’s the perfect atmosphere to feel spiritual. This is the moment there is no fog. There is no pettiness or hate. No envy or bigotry. When we realize how very insignificant we are in the scheme of things, we realize we are a we. We are a we. It is at this moment that I feel immensely grateful to be alive and can’t wrap my brain around the fact that I'm a set of atoms feeling grateful to be alive. Would we call this a transcendent level of consciousness? Carl Sagan said “science is not only compatible with spirituality; it is a profound source of spirituality.”
Recap
1 you’re on a large mountain and want to get to the top 2 there’s a mini-mountain in front of you that you can see clearer than the large mountain 3 fog limits your visibility because we react instead of reflect 4 we learn to thin the fog by realizing life, in general, is freaking amazing 5 next?
Up
Looking at the big picture. There are really two options when thinking about the big picture: be humble or be absurd. Humble - we are an atom that can think and will someday die. Nothing clears the fog faster than looking at your marbles in your jar. We all have only so many left. Wishing we would have done things differently. I wish I had communicated my love more; I wish I had traveled more, etc.
Shouldn’t we all want to reduce the fog while we are still living and able to do something about the “I wish” lists?
If we ever reach the point where we think we thoroughly understand who we are and where we came from, we will have failed. —Carl Sagan
Absurd starts with certainty. If we let the fog stick around too long I think it produces certainty. Remember, you only know what you know. If you don’t try and move up the awareness mountain, I think, certainty settles in and why should you move? Why should you change? Don’t fix what’s not broken, right?
Are you certain things aren’t broken? Do you have to be reminded that everyone has their own path to live their own life and your ideas, wants, decisions are not theirs? Do you need to be reminded that every second of breathing in fresh air is a gift? Clean water? An indoor toilet? All beautiful gifts. A smile from a stranger? Gift. Just make sure your certainty is something that you should be certain about. I’m certain smiles from other people are gifts.
Get up your mini-mountain and stretch yourself. We learn by doing. Even if we fail.
Awareness (know thyself), Wisdom (learn stuff), and Experiences (do stuff) are the trifecta of growth.
AWE. Awe. (awwww)
Life should be spent in awe and AWE. I have this one life and want to make it as meaningful and fulfilled as possible. My better me, I pray, will be better for people, places and things I touch. AWE helps me understand what it is to be “fulfilled and meaningful”. AWE gives me courage to make better choices. Fog is anti-AWE.
Comfortable shoes in 2023
Buyers beware. The couch, the recliner, the rocker and for some…the bed works against our personal ambitions, goals and our energy. There are times to relax. Absolutely. We all need to decompress. Chill. However, making that the default position we easily lose site and find ourselves back in fog. We have laced up comfortable shoes but don’t use them. The overstuffed couch, pillows, bag of chips and the remote all whisper to us. The easy chair. That’s why it’s called easy.
It’s a bad cycle, too. Once you get lazy, the lazy gets lazy. I’m the worst during the work week. I have every excuse in the book to NOT want to do something and sit with my glass of wine and chill. I’m fully aware that I am not really investing in my personal AWE when I do this. Time still moves even if I don’t. I guess, at least I’m aware I am doing this.
I hope I encourage you, even a little bit, to seek awe in 2023. Let’s find the mind of a 5 year old every once in awhile. In many ways, the mind of a 5 year old is wondrous and quite imaginative. It is adventurous. It is open to entertain new possibilities. It is willing to look above, around and from underneath unfamiliar circumstances. Five year olds can be whimsical - “Kids say the darndest things.” The 5 year old doesn’t have an already advanced set of trivia, experiences and biases that we have. That 5 year old will find any shoes to go play in. (especially rubber boots)
If you get into some comfortable shoes this new year then use them to hike up that mountain, throw that hail Mary and find some awe. Happy New Year.
You can subscribe FREE to get ... hmmmm, new me in 2023?
I am in AWE of you. In a recent conversation you shared that you were not sure you should continue writing these. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD. Side note grand canyon is on my bucket list as well. Hmmm
Very awe-inspiring! One of my favorite lines was President Bartlett in the West Wing TV series when he said to his chess partner, "see the whole board."