listicle
noun
1. An article* based around a list.
2. “list” + “article” = listicle
3. like a popsicle; no nutritional value
I'm not a fan of listicles, but I'll stoop to link to this one on Buzzfeed because it is highly relevant to my interests: the 27 best "Breaking Bad" memes.— Xeni Jardin
Listicles have been around for decades, they just hadn’t been identified as ”Listicles”. They were powerpoint slides. Succinct talking points but, only someone was actually filling in gaps… by talking.
See an area you feel compelled to educate or discuss
Create an outline for education on topic
Bullet point your outline
Share
I mean, that’s pretty clear stuff.
Yet, I’m not a fan of listicles. Except #9/ Maggie and #11/ Enjoy your momma, because I break rules and while these ARE listicle-like they are not true listicles.
1. Listicles are subtle haters
It’s abuse at its best. It’s subtle. It has no shame. What could have been a great article, by maybe an even good writer, has deduced itself to eye-candy. We have all done the scan. We scan - and don’t read. This- “9 Ways to Show Your Dog You Really Care” - scanned, meh. It’s not fair but it happens. There may have been a true article waiting to be let loose. And now Little Girl will never know.
Listicles draw you in and then ignore that you came to be educated or entertained. It’s just mean.
2. Listicles pretend
They promise you the world and always under deliver. Of course I want to “Make Croissants in 5 Simple Steps”. Who wouldn’t? 99/100 times I click a listicle headline it’s because I’m wondering…how did they simplify that into just 5 steps? Then I’m disappointed. Or bait me. “8 Things Everyone Should do Before 7am If You Want To Live Longer Than Prior Generations.” Click, click, click. Heck yeah we do! Nope, that was a huge waste of time.
3. Listicles are 5 yr old, dress to impress lazy
Anyone can write a listicle. Just look at me. As if I have any talent, knowledge or entertainment value. If you can count to five or 12, and you have a low level understanding of something - you too, can write a listicle. Ask a 5 year old who his favorite cartoon characters are. There. A listicle.
Some algorithm could probably churn out some great titles, too. I mean, if the goal is to try and associate random thoughts together - wait, isn’t that what I do?
13 Reasons AI is better than your Parents
365 Facts To Review Yearly
8 Unforgettable Tricks to Fix 256 Bytes
12 Passwords Better Than “l1st1cl3R0ck$”
4. The word “listicle” is subpar jabberwocky
Jabberwocky is a skill. You don’t get to dabble in jabberwocky here at Xanadu. You either play with the big dogs or you get bitten. Listicle may sound like jabberwocky but yeah, no. Lewis Carrol, Shakespeare and even our Brother’s Grimm are shaking their head no.
If I didn’t provide the definition, could you have guessed the definition? Maybe you’d think I was going to discuss Dr Seuss? Or perhaps some weird skin condition I have? This word is now a real word. Yes the word listicle has entered into the Oxford dictionary, online version anyway, in 2014. But so did “Vape”, “Clickbait”, “YOLO” and “Binge-watch”. Need I say more?
The word is barely playful, annoying and, sorry, has a lisp.
5. Tolkien never wrote a listicle
No. J. R. R. Tolkien, perhaps one of the greatest writers ever, never wrote a listicle. Nor did C.S. Lewis, Thoreau, Einstein, …Shakespeare. Can you even imagine? I am certain we could find modern listicles about them. And if not, I can try.
9 Problems to Fix Your Orc Soul
6 Shortcuts that Can’t Be Missed en route to the Desolation of Smaug
12 Simple Items to Encourage Mr. Frodo’s Fringe
6 Ways to Lighten Your Mass
5 Creative Plans to Tame a Shrew
“I look East, West, North, South, and I do not see Sauron. But I see that Saruman has many descendants. We Hobbits have against them no magic weapons. Yet, my gentle hobbits, I give you this toast: To the Hobbits. May they outlast the Sarumans and see spring again in the trees.” - J. R. R. Tolkien
6. Listicles have a short life span
Read it and forget it. What?
7. They are typically 1-2 numbers off
Almost always one item (sometimes more) in a listicle is off-topic. It is irrelevant or quite a stretch of real relevance to the actual, unimaginative title of the listicle. Like the author needed to add ONE more number to this listicle to make it 10. {ok, some titles are quite imaginative..i give them that}
See 10. What’s a haiku got to do with it? Uh, “one of these things is not like the other…”.
8. Numbers are better than lists
Numbers ARE better than lists. Exactly. I am a huge fan of words. She laughs. No really. I am equally a huge fan of numbers. They are amazing, poetic, solution driven, and appealing. They can do better than a list.
9. They are heavily biased
Not everybody will have the same 12 favorite Sting songs or 11 Best Coffee Cake recipes to make in a pinch. See 11. They know they are under the bar.
10. What’s a haiku got to do with it?
We don’t read poetry to get news or learn a new trick or tactic. True we enjoy a good sonnet, haiku or limerick for entertainment or to be brought on some emotional thought provoking quest. The similarity is great in one frame. The sonnet, haiku and limerick, like listicles, are predictable in structure. That is what makes them all appealing: predictability. In general, poems are also sturdy, grounded and compact. I guess that’s another commonality… and perhaps, then, poetry could be another fine vessel to produce subpar article knowledge? In fact, that could be fun.
The medium is the message. The medium of comfort. Comfort in knowing the path you are about to take, yet even if you know the path there is new and exciting areas to discover along the way- it’s poetic. In a sonnet there are prescribed stanza’s and a rhyme scheme. Delightful. In a haiku it’s all about the syllable count. In a limerick, well, that pattern is burned in our brains from childhood. In a listicle, ahhh, the numbers mark your path. The heading said “9 Ways…” so I know I have 9 instances to tick off as I go.
However, the listicle lacks boundaries compared to the sonnet, haiku or limerick. The number of items are arbitrary. The content is equally subjective. Not to forget the sub-genres of “best of”, the “worst of”, “top reasons why”…etc. I guess poems have sub-genres, too?
The "In fact, that could be fun” area of my listicle that never was.
Limerick Listicle
A wonderful piece was the article
Sneering away the Higgs particle
The heading had zest
Lacking bullet finesse
I'll be damned to embrace it as logical
Haiku Listicle
The 12 sexiest
years of my life, sort by joy,
tomorrow and shock value.
Sonnet Listicle
Do I even try?
Onomatopoeia listicle (why not)
I see a quack that prays for a click
A creak of words that seemed to bleep
Bits and bops and boings were beaming
Grunts, growls and splats and thoughts squirmed
And, like hiccups in a spread, the letters just popped
And fizzed out.
11. They know they are under the bar
Listicles try and present information. Information can be informative. Information as a term is an assembled (sometimes) pile of facts, ideas… plus anecdotes. Yes anecdotes. Anecdotes can be informative, even though they can come in billow clouds. So how do we assemble this massive pile of ideas, facts and life experiences? We use words. (see what I did there?)
Words need order. Order provides context. Something must come first and then something else. Lists make this process easier. I’m the one who has to-do lists on top of to-do lists. I get lists. The problem is that lists, in general, lack transitions. That subtle movement of one thought to the next. Instead of real transitions a listicle just adds the next number. Many, many topics need transitions…yeah.
12. I Can’t Make This Up
I can make up a lot of gibberish but this is true. At time of this writing, I received a Substack post of [Person-of-12-thought]. The title of their substack is “7 small steps that will reduce your anxiety by over 90% in 24 hours”. That was a copy/paste; I am not joking. In a heat or a fit or the place that is besides myself I read the listicle. Why Lisa???
—> This is a listicle in a listicle moment. #wannabelisticleinlisticle #listiclegoals
a. I suffer from anxiety. Rarely anymore, but I am quite familiar with it. Roots and remedies and reality.
b. 7 small steps. {see 2. Listicles Pretend. I wanna believe.}
c. 90% reduction. Wow.
d. 24 hours. OK, now I’m just making a list to point out the obvious frustration and anger I felt as I started to read this.
The idea that anxiety improvement can be 90% administered by some list is enormous. That is huge bragging material. The initial 4 bullet points were very reasonable. Yet, this listicle could have been “4 Steps to Help you with Anxiety”. I would have thought - those are pretty good; that’s a decent listicle.
But we can’t have that. See my 7. They are typically 1-2 numbers off. This specific listicle is dramatically 3 numbers of ‘why are they in this list’? I refuse to give any more attention to this advertising piece except that I will share Step 7 because it literally made me laugh out loud and brought me joy.
Step 7. Become the ‘Pied Piper of Joy.’
13. Just one more thought-probably
It’s my listicle. I can add numbers all I want. Make your own listicle and see how less than rewarding it actually is. I mean, unless you’re a meme listicle then go ahead, clutter up more for the drunk librarian to shuffle.
Would. That. Be. A. Memicle?
SIDE RANT. (14)
article* - I swear I copied from the first definition that popped up on my quick internet search “listicle definition”. Article is pretty broad, don’t you think?? So then, I had to dig. Wikipedia says this under Listicle “In journalism and blogging, a listicle is a short-form of writing that uses a list as its thematic structure, but is fleshed out with sufficient copy to be published as an article.” Where do we go from here.
How does journalism*, article and listicle harbor in the same definition (maybe blogging and listicle). Most listicles are no where near journalism (from my primitive understanding), and “sufficient copy”??? Sure. Extra bonus thoughts on how listicle is just junk food … and is killing real journalism.
While I’m certain my over-winded rants have the density that associates itself with windy and windy copy that should/could be scannable, I only provide obscure and terse headers, that while related to overarching rant, really are only comprehendible if you read the full rant. My headers are like small opaque glass portholes into my wee brain.
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